I Don’t Know What To Do Anymore

good evening world. I feel kind of sad but also happy today. I guess you could say I’m confused. I don’t know what to do anymore, honestly. should I keep trying, looking, searching, and hoping for someone to figure me out? this feels like a nightmare a lot of times, although I don’t say it often, but we all break down once and a while so I think I’m allowed this one.
THERE’S SO MUCH BS GOING ON RIGHT NOW, I JUST DON’T KNOW WHERE TO GO, WHO TO TURN TO OR WHAT TO DO AT THIS MOMENT. Myself, I can trust and turn too!

I am honestly disgusted with the health-care system in general at the moment. I have five Neurologist’s at MGH, and they all tell me how complex I am, and how I’m such a hard case, and that I need a team of Doctor’s. That’s what you want to hear at age 30, right? Well the question I keep asking myself is; what do I do? Keep going and see if eventually someone figures me out, or take it day by day see what happens and stop trying to get my health situation figured out? I would honestly stop trying if I didn’t have such great kid’s, and a great family and a small group of friends. They are what keeps me going everyday, they are what inspires me. Without them my life be boring, and the only love I would have is the love for myself. I want to work so badly. I hate sitting at home, or running errands, and having the same consistent days. It feels like that movie “Groundhog Day”. I’m bored, irritated, and confused, Also, happy, content, and curious.

I found something interesting while doing my normal research, it is a hobby and interest of mine. Since we live in NH we kind of have to figure things out for ourselves, pretty sad right.  I came across glial cells and glialia. There are four different kinds. Their are numerous disorders and some related to these cells. After having MS for a while the cells repair themselves and the myelin to an extent of course. It is located in the white matter of the brain and is somewhat smaller than the typical MS lesion and these scares they cause are non specific to their location in the brain. My new neurologist who is looking for small fiber neuropathy in me as a possible underlying disease. I asked him if it were possible that I was born with MS or developed it as a child, and he said yes it’s very possible. Nobody thinks about these things when we’re kids, especially before the disease was common and they new nothing about it. I wonder how or if they can figure it out?  I also donated to the Biobank at MGH and if they find anything like cancer, or something that needs immediate attention they’ll contact me, otherwise they won’t. 

Ihave an appointment next week in Concord at a MS specialist clinic. So this will be my third opinion, so I guess go with the best out of three. Idk we’ll see. …

Staystrong and hold on! You got this!

ONE LOVE,

JENNY KISSES

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